Just rain and me

I think somebody up there took my post 'Adieu to you my hopes' way too seriously. I am being gifted with continuous rain. Otherwise how could this be a record rain in UAE?

The last monopoly

‘Let me win the monopoly and then I shall…’ left there incomplete, he moved away.

Those were the last words I heard from him. What was monopoly? Was it the same game? Or was it what I learned in school in one of those economics classes-‘Monopoly refers to a market situation where there is only one seller’. Or was it anything else that I didn’t know. He left it there, then. Why? What did he mean anyway? What was after ‘then I shall’?

Was winning monopoly more important than me? Was winning monopoly meant to be winning money? Lots and lots of money? Was it why he went to the gambling bar on Saturday nights? But then I never once saw him drunk or a loser. He was always a winner in my eyes. Could it be any less?

Why did you leave me with so many questions to answer myself? Why didn’t you turn back to complete the line you started? Why didn’t you appear again? Jail-Is that where you went?

Why did I stand still and not ask? Why did I let go myself when I saw everything of me go away with him?

It was only a dream. There was nothing more that I could do this morning but to smile to myself thinking of how and why did monopoly remain in my sub-conscious mind?

Who wanted to win? What was monopoly? Was it the game I knew or was it what I once learned in school?

‘Monopoly is a market situation where there is only one seller.’

Adieu to you my hopes

I often wonder if ‘goodbyes’ were meant to be forever. It is just another easy word to say if you don’t mean it. I never meant it too. And when I wanted to I did never use the word. Goodbye always happened without a second look or a last word to me.

I would count numbers to put off emotions and more often tears. That is nothing but a practice to control temper I know. But see that’s how differently it works out for different people. I was no different though. Tears deceived. Always! I have smiled sensibly when he told me how amazed he was to see my innocence.

He was good at mathematics. Probably is. I was not. I am not. So what? What does mathematics has to do with my innocence, I would ask with all the innocence to spare in me. It wouldn’t take long to see fat crystal drops in my eyes then. As sensitive I was like a new born baby’s transparent skin. Light pink and the green veins underneath it.

Goodbyes! Goodbyes! Goodbyes! I shouldn’t be moving out of the matter. But then that’s how it is isn’t it. We all have a lot to say. And so less of time. Only a life time! ‘Adieu to you my innocence’-Let that be a story for another day.

Three days back I bid goodbye to a hope I have been cherishing for years. A hope for a satisfying downpour. Was that too much to hope? That morning it drizzled temptingly, reminding me of the curse this land would never be free from. There is nothing better to believe anyway. All the deserts in the world the same!

That goodbye short lived. Did I mean it then? Once again it was cloudy early this morning. I felt myself hoping for something more than the usual, knowing a curse is a curse. And more than anything else knowing a belief is a belief, I hoped.

Wake me up when everything ends

“Did I hurt you? I didn’t mean to.”

As always. Right?

“I didn’t mean to do this to you. I was angry at that time.”

As always. Right?

And as always you feel sorry. Right?

But you have to know that all the kisses that you later plant on the black and blues on my body seem like a million apologies to me.

I laugh at apologies. Especially the ones never confessed.

A far away mind

Windows were closed
A roof always above me
Hidden from what I loved,
I knew I was!
Where are the dark clouds?
‘They are miles away.’
Liar! I want to see.
‘See it through my eyes. Love me.’
I want, I want, I want to see.
‘They are far, far, far away!’

Indeed I was;
Far, far away!

Colder than winter

Nobody can stop the one who wants to leave. Leave from life? Yes I want to. How can one leave from life? And why is that nobody can stop?

My feet become cold. The tip of my nose even colder. It’s cold. It’s coming. Winter! I love it yet I want to leave.

“You once told me na”

“What?”

“That you wanted to leave.”

“I am ready any day. Even today!”

How easy it was to say, I thought. I wish I could say that. But you know nobody can stop the one who wants to leave. I didn’t stop either. I only stopped my words, my thoughts. Or....I stopped my only words, my only thoughts?

I fear 'any day'. The day ‘leaving’ would happen. The day I will have start talking to myself. Like a mad person. Or maybe the mad person was like how I thought I was going to be.

I want some candles, some chocolates and a young night in the winter.

And then I shall leave.

From all what I thought shall never....

One is always three…

Sometimes your very own company makes you feel uncomfortable. Especially when you have a soul, a mind and a body. And the ability to make out the same.

Two is a crowd. Forget three!