Wake me up when everything ends

“Did I hurt you? I didn’t mean to.”

As always. Right?

“I didn’t mean to do this to you. I was angry at that time.”

As always. Right?

And as always you feel sorry. Right?

But you have to know that all the kisses that you later plant on the black and blues on my body seem like a million apologies to me.

I laugh at apologies. Especially the ones never confessed.

A far away mind

Windows were closed
A roof always above me
Hidden from what I loved,
I knew I was!
Where are the dark clouds?
‘They are miles away.’
Liar! I want to see.
‘See it through my eyes. Love me.’
I want, I want, I want to see.
‘They are far, far, far away!’

Indeed I was;
Far, far away!

Colder than winter

Nobody can stop the one who wants to leave. Leave from life? Yes I want to. How can one leave from life? And why is that nobody can stop?

My feet become cold. The tip of my nose even colder. It’s cold. It’s coming. Winter! I love it yet I want to leave.

“You once told me na”

“What?”

“That you wanted to leave.”

“I am ready any day. Even today!”

How easy it was to say, I thought. I wish I could say that. But you know nobody can stop the one who wants to leave. I didn’t stop either. I only stopped my words, my thoughts. Or....I stopped my only words, my only thoughts?

I fear 'any day'. The day ‘leaving’ would happen. The day I will have start talking to myself. Like a mad person. Or maybe the mad person was like how I thought I was going to be.

I want some candles, some chocolates and a young night in the winter.

And then I shall leave.

From all what I thought shall never....

One is always three…

Sometimes your very own company makes you feel uncomfortable. Especially when you have a soul, a mind and a body. And the ability to make out the same.

Two is a crowd. Forget three!

She and lost..

'Maybe she wanted to be alone...
Or maybe she didn’t like me anymore...
I never would want to give it a thought..'

Dear You,

Let us forget and forgive...
Others & ourselves respectively...

Love Me

Catching colors…

Bits of papers and some dark colors on it. Torn! Colors and papers! It was difficult to look for that piece. Every day is a start like this. A new start for an old search. A search for torn pieces of an unknown destiny. Ha! Not just pieces but that piece. Luck may help if I grab few. Right?

And who knows about the colors? Do you? Everything starts so beautiful. Like a new beginning. Like a day! Any day! Even today! But we all know new beginnings have old endings. Like what I told you before. Remember?

And so I stood watching the bits of my paper flying with the wind that was never there. There where I was. Like a dream! Like I am always! Like what I wish to be! Like all what no one could see. In my world there is only that. See there! Can you?

Even the colors where not colors if you could see. Black was red and white was blue for me. A strange grouping of anger & lust. Good on their own. But not together.

It was better to let go I thought then. Let the colors remain only in the same dream where I left it once, wishing never to see it again. But I did. And I know I will.

Like always…

Through those windows....

it still rains…

The monsoon has been here for long. Too long precisely. When it is raining and cold the minutes are short. Too short precisely.

The table beside my favorite window and my books on it. The lonely cup of tea and some thoughts in their usual disorder. It always makes me feel uneasy. The thoughts in disorder I mean. I moved from one window to the other. The rusted iron bars of the old window left the smell of yesterday on my palms. Those summer vacations of early 90’s, when my world was small and my hair was not long. There are stories but let that be.

What was I looking for indeed? Each window had a different view. And different thoughts. Tiny wild yellow flowers that I saw, I wonder, did they ever have a name? Touch-me-nots, I wonder, did they ever know how good it feels to be touched?

I felt the humid air inside my room. It made my skin moist and my cotton clothe damp. I wanted to free myself. From a lot of things. But forget! For then it was getting worse. Unbroken minutes of breathing one’s own breath over and over again in a closed room of memories. Windows were many. But ........ The very moment I only wished to run into the rainy open sky. Breathe the wet soil & feel the raindrops on my face.

Finally I opened the door and walked out.

There was no rain, no wild yellow flowers, and no touch-me-nots. Why was it there through the windows and not there then? Why did it all look so beautiful through the windows? Why did it pull me out from where I was?

Maybe this was what I was searching for. Vague beauties of my imaginations that never could survive in reality. And will never.

The monsoon yellow flowers that withered away….nameless…forever…