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The only reason why you love me, well loved me, was perhaps the shameless honesty I maintained between us. It was almost like being naked. Talking naked? The point is, yes I wanted you to go away and all that. That was when you were madly in love with me. I hated it. But I knew I would be desperate once you go. Forever only, mind you! Yes, we are indeed talking about forever going away. So I am desperate now.

Why don’t you love me? Madly?

Why don’t you tell me it’s killing you when I avoid you?

Why don’t you sing me Blunt’s ‘Your beautiful’?

Okay, fine. I will let you touch my feet because you like the color of my nail paint. I won’t say ‘no’ this time.

I will even let you smell the perfume on my neck. I won’t say ‘no’.

I promise. I wont.

Only if you stay where you are maybe. I don’t know. You have gone forever haven’t you?

An incomplete page from my diary

I was feeling very uneasy last night. A new dark and still bedroom, a small flickering candle on the bedside, I shifted sides feeling uncomfortable. The candle was it that made me feel so uneasy.

I don’t like flickering candles. And in anyway how was it flickering when the windows were closed. The room was silent and still. There was no moving air. Then? The candle simply resembled my mind. I thought. And that is why I guess I don’t like flickering candles. The fact that it was reminding me about my unsteady mind made me lose my little sleep of the night.

I blame. Myself.

If you really wish to go, I will do nothing to stop you. Because I know you will never realize how committed I was to you. How honest! Minutes back I thought you deserved all that and now not even another word from me. Not even a ‘goodbye’.

You hurt me. Trust me, it’s alright. I don’t blame you for anything. Because it is much easier to blame onself.

I blame. Myself.

Because I don’t love you…

You always ask me why I get so upset when you give me something that I haven’t asked for. Love?! Gifts?! Whatever.

So now I decide to tell you why. Because our relation doesn’t deserve that little extra thing. The pleasure of exchanging that bit of extra love?! Gifts?! I will ask and you are supposed to give only so much. Vice versa too. Because that is how our relation should be. Because I am the one to decide how it should be. Because you have no say in this matter. Because you are the one in love with me and not me. Because I think you are really silly. Because you always listen and never argue with me.

And because I can never love you but can anytime hate you for a while.

The extra bit of everything you so crazily give me doesn’t make me love you is what I want to say….is just what I want to say…

A puppet last night

My joints weak, I felt like a clumsy puppet in your lap. Puppets don’t speak. So I didn’t. And what did you do? You made me dance to your song. The strings tearing my veins. Puppets don’t cry. So I didn’t.

What do puppets do? They dance. So did I. I danced to your song.

A clumsy puppet in your hands.

Relativeness

You are a photographer. Not just one, but quiet a famous one. And you take me to your house to show me your collection of photos. I look at each in excitement. Excitement that wishes to hide away in eyes. You saw it? No?! My lips slightly apart, I am lost in your world of images.

Our minds converse with each other and I begin:

‘These aren’t pictures.’

‘Hmm..So what are these?’

‘Some are images of my thoughts.’

‘Is that all?’

‘And some…some are images of our relativeness.’

The more I am…

…open to you, the more I feel I am yours.

Maybe that is just for me.

Don’t make that face just because I am naked by the time you are on bed.

Goodnight!